French terms of endearment

and a few other thoughts

French terms of endearment are weird. You can call someone dear to you “mon chou” (my cabbage) but you can’t call them “mon oignon,” “mon concombre” or “ma pomme de terre” (potato.) As well as “mon chou”, you can also call them “fleur” (flower). But you can’t call them “mon chou-fleur” (my cauliflower.)

You can call them your “poussin”, “lapin”, “chat” or even “canard” (chick, rabbit, cat or duck) but not your “vache”, “cochon”, “chèvre” or “grenouille” (cow, pig, goat or frog.) On balance, I think I would rather be called a pig than a duck as some pigs are extremely intelligent and at least they don't quack.

You can call them “ma puce” (flea.) But you can’t call them “ma punaise de lit” (bed bug). “ma moustique” or mon “cafard” (cockroach.) Fortunately or unfortunately, I don't think there's much chance of me being called any of these now.

“Cafard itself is weird. You can say “j’ai vu un cafard” meaning you saw a cockroach. But “J'ai le cafard” doesn’t normally mean you got the cockroach but “I'm feeling down.” So if you’ve been looking for a cockroach for some time and you finally get one and you say “J'ai le cafard!” you could just mean that you have the creature, or that now you are feeling down (possibly as a result of getting the cockroach) or that you both have the cockroach and are feeling down. Or you could be saying that you have the cockroach in such a way that it is clear you are happy with that outcome in which case you are saying both that you have the cafard and you don’t have the cafard. It’s even worse if you have to ask someone if they have the cockroach or if they’re feeling low. Imagine a heist where the object was to steal a precious cockroach.#:

Robber 1: Did you get the cockroach?

Robber 2: No, I’m not depressed.

Robber 1: So you didn’t get the cockroach?

Robber 2: Si, j’ai le cafard mais je n’ai pas le cafard.

The chances of misunderstandings are infinite. French is such a complicated language.